Final IR day.

So this was my final IR day as an SMKSJ Leo. To be honest, i worked the hardest i ever did for an IR because this was my last, but i still feel as though i contributed nothing. -.- BUT, anyways, i still had a blast, the preparation was all worth it and at the end of the day, we were all beyond tired.

I spent the night before IR out with Mei Shia, Dev and Shang Qin. We went to Pyramid to shop for stuff concerning the IR. I tagged along with the girls for about and hour before realising they were just going round and round Asian Avenue looking for their dresses. So after i got a little bored, me and Shang Qin went to have dinner at Mc'Ds and then we went off to find out shirts for the IR. We went around various shops. Funny. No matter what brand or what shop the prices are either, RM189 ; RM119 ; RM89 or RM59. It was 8 times out of 10 priced at one of these.I finally settled for a blue-ish denim-ish coloured shirt i found by Padini in Parkson. I then met up with the girls to help me choose my tie which ended up being greyish blue-ish in colour.

Well on the the big day, the whole morning people were busy decorating, everyone was stressed and everyone was tired. The big event then started at around 4pm due to minor delays. It started of with our very own opening act performed by seniors of the club. The next act was a dance performance by the boys of Lasalle PJ. Then on to the vocal performances of a few singers from SJ. Then we had 1 game and then an interval. After the break, 2 band performances. One of the band members came to ask if i was Karen's brother. Haha apparently he was an ex-student that knew my sister. After that, an awesome beatbox performance by Seafield students and then concluded with an epic dance performance by some Leos from different schools.

Overall i think it was a success, i was reading a few comments about it on Facebook and Twitter as i got back and pleased that majority of the people liked it. Sorry for my lackluster review + the lateness of it. I hate writing recaps of events, usually because i know it is usually boring to anyone that actually went for the event. Anyways, i will stop now and just let pictures tell the story. Credits to various photographers at the event =)

Morning preparations

People start to arrive

Opening act done by our school Leos

This is Jared, the dude that says he knows my sis and bro. haha

My group of friends that came to support the IR.

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On another note, Man United also signed an up and coming goalkeeper to help ease the departure of Van Der Sar. The Dutchman will be hard to replace but this guy seems decent enough and certainly time is on his side at an age of just 20. He looks like a good buy and the news have been circling for ages now. The deal looked as though it would never be finish but finally he put pen to paper. Welcome Man United, David De Gea. Trophies won't be far now.

New era?

Ahh, finally i have some football stuff to blog about. So Man United just signed 2 new players. Ashley Young and Phil Jones. Young players with the potential to get better and grow at a club like Man United. Here are the pros and cons in my opinion :

Pros : I'll start with Jones. He seems to be a decent centre back and his partnership with Chris Smalling at the U21 Euro Championships was praised by critics and fans alike. This could be a glimpse of the future for United. Those 2 strong ball centre halves winged by the Da Silva brothers, the future looks good for the United defence line. He displayed some good performances against United last season so I'm looking forward to what he can do to other opposition.

As for Young, he was a good buy. But not a great one. He would certainly improve the team. But not enhance it. He is effective on the left. A position that Nani is often deployed but usually ineffective. Valencia is even more right-ist. So i'm looking forward to what he can do on the left. Besides that, he can also play as an attacking mid. A position United is sorely lacking. Young is a consistent performer too. Nani may have been involved in the most goals last season, but he just disappeared towards the end, arguably the most important time.

Cons : For Jones, he's still young. And 16mil for that age is abit too much. Plus, where does this leave Jonny Evans? Depth in squad is very good but do either of these 2 want to be considered 5th choice?

As for Young, like i said, he's a winger. A position we already have 2 decent enough players. I would much rather see the money spent on a centre midfield. That i think is the position we have to strengthen the most. Young has also not performed at a top level such as the Champs League before. And he recently got in the England squad. One thinks that he will have trouble against foreign opposition in the early stages of his OId Trafford career.


Anyways, 2 decent signings to strengthen the squad. There are other areas that needs addressing but so far, this summer has seen Man Utd take a real big step towards replacing the golden generation of Giggs, Scholes and Neville. Carry on SAF!

Web of magic called dreams and hope

I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time. In a magic town. Among magicians. Most everybody else, didn't realise we lived in that web of magic, connected by the silver filaments of chance and circumstance. We all start out knowing magic, we were born able to sing to birds and read clouds. Then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. The people doing the telling, were afraid of our wildness youth.

When people get weepy of movies, its because in that theater, that golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again, and they leave feeling a little heart sad. When a song, stirs a memory. When motes of dust, turning into a shaft of light, takes your attention from the world. When you listen to a train passing on a track at night, in a distance, and you wonder where it might be going. You step beyond who you are, and where you are. For the briefest of instance, you have stepped into the magic realm - One Tree Hill

This passage from One Tree Hill really got me. Because every moment they mentioned, i do feel it. I do feel something touch my heart in a dark theater and then leave feeling like something is missing. I do listen to a good song, and then suddenly feel a deafening silence when the song stops. I do lay on my bed at times, and stare at random glitters of light, and just think about how my life is affecting others, and how others affect me.

Here's my take on it. When you experience something magical, that little place inside your heart is unlocked. A place where everything is safe, where you are allowed to express feelings without having to think of consequences. A place so magical, that the thought of leaving it, feels tragic. A place you have to leave occasionally to face the truth of life. The homework, exams, the peer pressure. All of them makes you want to get back to that place, but suddenly you're lost. You look back, and the path you just walked has vanished, and instead, a brick wall is in front of you, forcing you to face reality.

Have you ever woken up from a beautiful dream? I once had a dream. Around the time i was 10. People don't usually remember dreams, but i did remember this one. I dreamt i was in a land like no other. Waterfalls with gushing waters, higher than anything i've ever seen. Trees taller than any building ever built. Animals I've never seen before. There were giants and dwarfs. There were scary ones, and peaceful ones. I met a guy and a girl. They showed me around. They showed me the magic. They brought me to a place where i felt i could be anyone. Do anything. Believe in something I wouldn't have before. I smiled. Then i teared. I teared at the beauty. The fantastic wonder of everything.

Then my alarm clock rang. I was rudely awaken. I was greeted with the sound of car honks from the nearby highway outside my room window. I looked out to see ugly skyscrapers blocking my view of the sky. I actually wept. I couldn't explain why, but i felt as though i lost something. I lost something that was dear to me. I lost a way back to a place i felt more at home than i ever did in this concrete house. I laid back down on my bed, soaking it all in.

I had a dream which brought me to my golden pool of magic. I still have occasional glances of it. Like when i stare into space, just letting the lyrics of a beautiful song, block out the harsh reality of life. Times when I feel like everything have knocked me down. When there is no way i can get back up again, and then the thought of this place magically lifts my spirits up. A place so innocent, its enough to overcome the sins of my life.

I believe everyone have felt this way a few times in their life. Most wouldn't want to admit it. Most felt it but just didn't dwell on it. Now, whenever i have moments like this. I take a few minutes. Close my eyes. And just hope, wish, pray, that i will go back to that magical place where everything is right and peaceful, and sins and problems didn't exist. I feel the best way to get to this place, is to take a combination of imagination, believe, and to let yourself go. Let your heart and mind wonder. Close your eyes, and leave your mind wide open. Leave it open to possibillities

Whenever i feel this way, i close my eyes and hope that when i open them again, i see trees. I see mountains away in the distance. I hear the sound of gushing water and the talking animals. I smell the scent of fresh fruit and i feel the soft trance of magic flow through me.

Maybe this is why i've always loved fantasy movies. I always liked shows like Harry Potter and Narnia. And one movie i still regard as the best movie i've ever watched, Bridge to Terabithia. Its because i believe, that one day, when i can finally erase the bad memories of this world we live in, that one day, i will finally be rid of people telling me about the non-existence of unicorns and great beasts. That one day, i will finally open my eyes, take a look at the world for what it is, and then finally, just finally, not be blinded anymore.

Terrible Things

Its been awhile since i found a song with lyrics such as these.

Mayday Parade - Terrible Things

By the time I was your age
I'd give anything
To fall in love truly
Was all I could think
That's when I met your mother
The girl of my dreams
The most beautiful woman
That I'd ever seen

She said "Boy, can I tell you a wonderful thing?
I can't help but notice you staring at me
I know I shouldn't say this, but I really believe,
I can tell by your eyes that you're in love with me."

Now son, I'm only telling you this
Because life, can do terrible things

Now most of the time
We'd have too much to drink
And we'd laugh at the stars
And share everything
Too young to notice
And too dumb to care
Love was a story
That couldn't compare

I said "Girl, can I tell you a wonderful thing?
I made you a present with paper and string
Open with care now, I'm asking you please
You know that I love you
Will you marry me?"

Now son, I'm only telling you this
Because life, can do terrible things
You'll learn one day
I hope and I pray that God shows you differently

She said "Boy, can I tell you a terrible thing?
It seems that I'm sick and I've only got weeks
Please don't be sad now, I really believe
You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me."

Slow, so slow, I fell to the ground on my knees

So don't fall in love
There's just too much to lose
If you're given the choice
I'm begging you choose
To walk away, walk away
Don't let it get you
I can't bear to see the same happen to you

Now son, I'm only telling you this
Because life, can do terrible things

And here it goes again.

Sometimes this feeling comes over me where i feel as though its me against the world. I can take care of myself. I'll figure out how to live on my own. The whole world is against me but i don't give a shit. I can live this life all on my own. I don't need friends, I don't need a companion, I don't need anybody. Just me. Who else can i trust the most to take care of me besides me?

Friends sometimes can be overrated. I appreciate my friends. I just learned not to depend on them. I don't need their advice. I don't need their help most of the time and I certainly don't need their guidance.

I have often said, i don't know what I'll be doing in the future. But usually, this is what i picture : I stay in a studio apartment. 1 bed, just enough room for me. I wake up, breakfast, workout, shower, drive to work, earn some money, and then back to my apartment. I can live like that. With television, internet, and a steady income, what's wrong with that kind of life? I'll still have a few friends, go out once in a while. But most of the time, just on my own. I like to think of me as a person who won't care about other people's problems and in return, i simply ask you guys not to care about mine.

I hate it when people try to show sympathy towards me. I don't need sympathy. I always felt as though when people pity you, its an insult. If i don't ask for your help, who are you to give it? I like it when people are straight with me. Something about me you don't like? Say it to my face. Find me annoying? Just tell me. Think I have flaws i need to fix? Lay them out for me. I hate it when people put on fake smiles and lie to your face. I didn't ask for you to care about my feelings. My feelings are mine to control. I've already dealt with the fact that the world is unfair and that everyone is gonna put me down and I'm fine with that!

Life is hard, i get that, so let me face it on my own. I rather have the harsh reality than the fake puffy fantasy that people try to place in my heads. When i'm down, don't tell me everything will be alright, tell me my mistakes and that I am stupid for letting them happen. Tell me to my face that i am bad at something and i won't do it again. I think i have a pretty strong immunity towards hard truths and even if i don't take them well. I won't tell YOU people about it. I will go home and face the problems head on by MYSELF!

Don't try to pity me. Let me be. I can handle myself pretty well. My problems are MY problems. Not yours, mind your own business.

Mirror mirror?

With doubt in his head, he looked up and faced the mirror on the wall. Was it the image he wanted? He seemed to be pleased with what he saw. He saw something he could be proud of. He studied the image. He smiled while the imaged smiled back. The imaged mirrored every move. It MUST be his image. He was pleased. Until something struck him, the image is no where near what he really is. Is this a mirror? Or a projector of lies and deceit?

I think I've spent a large amount of my time devoted to making sure people have a certain idea about me. If you are wondering what i usually think about in my free time well here it is, I usually play out different senarios in my head and think about what I say or do. I would 1st act a certain way and then think about how people would react to that. I would continue doing this until I've reached a certain senario where I get to portray the image I want into my friends' heads.

I think I've become obsessed with what people think of me. I've always wanted to make myself different from others. I wanted people to think that I don't care what people think of me. I wanted to be apart from the crowd. This led to filling up my mp3 with songs of unknown artist just to get the attention. This led to purposely displaying my love for movies that other people would find boring.

I wanted to come off as someone who appreciated the fine arts like language and poetry. I wanted to show my friends that I am someone who refused to follow trends, no matter how much i wanted to. I wanted the people around me to feel as though i had no feelings and no compassion for other people. I wanted people to have a sense that I can say whatever I want to because I don't care what people may think of me. But I do.

I wanted to show people that friends are a minor part in my life. That i do not mind living alone. That i can deal with the loneliness. But sometimes, everything becomes opposite. I suddenly want people to see that i can express myself. Even before i started writing this post, i wanted to plan a strategic time where i can display it on twitter during the time when most people are online. All of this ultimately leads to me being how i want people to look at me.

The problem is, I've been doing this so long that i can no longer remember how i was back when i was truly myself. Was I awkward? Was I shy? Was I a constant pain? I seem to change my character judging by who is around me. When I'm around my school friends, I seem to want them to know that I am different from all of them and I'm special in that sense.

When i was around my swimming friends, i wanted them to think i was someone who was independent and rarely needed my parents to guide me through life. Whenever i meet new people i want their 1st impression to be that I am a someone who is well versed and can speak decently like an adult.

I wanted to show people that i was more mature for my age. That all my friends were kids and that i had to be the man among the group. That i refuse to like teenage music and movies and have silly high school crushes because i was suppose to think at a higher level. Because of that, i got easily irritated when i was categorised as being in a "teenage phase". Because of that, i got annoyed quickly at how immature some of my friends will act in fear that others will think i am just like them. Because of that, I shadowed myself in a cloak of self-centredness that forces me to always act civilised and mature at the expense of having fun or maybe even having growth experiences.

Now i don't even know who i am and often start to wonder how was i like before all this happened.

He starred at the mirror in a still state. He studied it intensely trying to find a piece, just a piece of remnants of his old self. He looked day and night but he found nothing. All he saw was an image that fulfilled the expectation of others, but not his own. This wasn't a mirror, its a black hole of what he has become. The person he once knew through and well is long gone. He fell to his knees, knowing that that person is lost forever.

Like being slapped in the face

So our mid-semester break just ended. Today was the 1st day of school. Honestly, the thought of starting school again just only started to settle in my head about 11 last night. I realised that the 2 weeks of holiday we had was totally wasted on me. I didn't do much. I can't say i had an extraordinary time and I didn't even use the extra time I had to catch up on my studies. I just really regret not using the time to do more stuff. Because of that, the fact school has started came to me like a slap in the face. It came out of nowhere when I needed more time to do other stuff.

Let's recap on what i actually DID do in the 2 weeks of holidays, it started ok. I went for Leo Forum. This was my 1st forum since i couldn't make it last year due to SUKMA. I've always put this to blame for me not being so active in Leo. My general conscious would be that if i had gone for forum last year, i would have made more friends in Leo, thus make it easier for me to want to be more active, and somehow have more fun doing it too. Instead I skipped forum and spent a year being forced into the BOD when i wanted to quit Leo, had to drag myself to any joint school event i was obliged to attend, and practically had a million excuses on why i need to skip meetings.

Anyway, I went this year. I'll be honest, the days leading up to it, i felt like crap. I just didn't want to go. I felt the 3 days could have been put to better use and that I am paying RM350 just to go there and stone like a loner in a deserted corner was ludacris. Add that to the fact that a lot of people from my school couldn't make it to the forum, and the fact that a few of my friends were going to be at a camp that sounded 10x better than forum, let's just say, I was starting to regret signing up.

But eventually i had to go, already paid the money and it would be really stupid to back out this late. Maybe it was my extremely low expectations, but I actually came back from that forum feeling rather happy. Looking back, we didn't actually do anything there, maybe its "graduation goggles"(HIMYM reference FTW) but i actually had a good time. I made a few new friends over there, and came back with a strange new feel of confidence that i found. Still expecting all the "Leo semangat-ness" to die down soon though.

A few of my school Leos with the people we met there before going home.

So i came back from forum relatively pleased. Twitter and Facebook practically exploded with people adding each other and saying hi and the old "hi i think i met you 2 days ago" stuff. I hate to admit this, but i actually enjoyed being a part of it. Alas, i signed up for CF camp too which was the morning right after i came back home. I was pissed/disappointed. I really didn't want to go through another 3 day 'adventure' at a whole another place. So I dragged myself over to First Baptist Church the next morning. I wanted to stay home. Relax and reflect on what i experienced the past 3 days at Johor. But I reminded myself that i didn't want to go to forum too but ended up liking it so maybe CF Camp wouldn't be so bad.

This i feel was a bad idea. That thought may have lifted up my expectations a little. Sorry if i offend anybody, but i had an average or borderline experience at camp. It was OK. The games were not bad. Kinda cool i guess. But me being a non-Christian just made me feel like a fish out of water over there. Could barely relate to what all the sessions were about and I found it hard to interact with people there due to non-existent similarities. I eventually pulled through it. I guess i learned a thing or 2 there as well. Just felt as though it was too soon after forum to go for camp. Once again, sorry if i offend anybody reading, just trying to be honest.

I guess i do look kinda happy here.

That pretty much sums up the 1st week. The 2nd week was craptastic. All the plans of outings and frisbee and everything just didn't work out. We went out to watch a movie once. Played frisbee once or twice. Meeples once. And that's pretty much it. The rest of my free time was spent stoning in my room, watching tv, or sleeping. Furthermore, I had the horrible feeling of knowing i NEEDED to study, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I always hated that feeling. Is like knowing you need to eat but go can't bring yourself to open the refrigerator.

All this adds to the fact that school came way too soon. There were times during the holidays where i just wished i could escape from my house. Find a random party and crash it. At least for 1 night. Boredom was relentless. It engulfed me every single night. I felt like screaming. I felt like time was floating by and i was not doing anything at all. All of this converges to a big massive lump in my chest that made me hate the holidays and hoped i had more time to make it right. And then school came along. Guess what? 1st thing I experienced in school today getting 20% for my history paper.

Came back, mum asked why i did so badly, went on this 1 hour rampage where i was shouting and screaming that i don't freaking get history. There's too many facts, too many names, too many scenarios, my brain isn't big enough to fit everything in. Give me numbers, give me equations, give me formulas and i can do those all day. But give me a random name who killed a random person at some random place on some random day, and i'm screwed.

Yup, like being slapped right in the face.

Splitroads

So this morning i went training. We played underwater hockey after God knows how long. It was kinda fun. But somehow the memory i had of it last time seem to be better. Maybe because so many of the senior swimmers weren't there or maybe because underwater hockey after a long month of training always seemed like a short get away. In case you didn't know, i recently stopped training regularly, so the thought of playing after sitting on my ass for a week maybe just took the fun out of it.

I got to catch up with a few of my old Stingray friends, but not all of them. I really miss the times we had back then. We were all like one family and i treated all of them like my brothers and sisters and the coaches like our parents. I always felt that Stingray had a different feel to other clubs. We somehow were closer to each other and that there were very few cliques around. It didn't matter how old or how good you were in training, everyone just bonded.

We used to have at least 2-3 outings every holiday and i usually loved it even if it was just movie and dinner. But of course, some went off to college, some had to focus on their exams and some went overseas. After awhile, we all just grew apart. I still keep in contact with most of them. A lot of my life have been dedicated to this club and all the bad and good times we went through will always be my life experiences.

I went through facebook to try and find a few group photos that represent how i feel about the bond i was talking about. =D

This was when they threw me, Yang and Shan a surprise birthday party. =)

The time we all went to watch Avatar at Pyramid.

Stingray Annual dinner 2010

This was us at Coach Cindy's wedding. =)



The Hwite family. Got real close to them after we all went for SUKMA.


SUKMA 2010. I'll never be that fit ever again. HAH

There are so many more pictures, but I don't want to fill up my blog so quickly. I had so many memories with these people that i guess now i'm just finding it a bit hard to fill the void. We will all get together someday. I just know it. And it will be awesome =)