Like being slapped in the face

So our mid-semester break just ended. Today was the 1st day of school. Honestly, the thought of starting school again just only started to settle in my head about 11 last night. I realised that the 2 weeks of holiday we had was totally wasted on me. I didn't do much. I can't say i had an extraordinary time and I didn't even use the extra time I had to catch up on my studies. I just really regret not using the time to do more stuff. Because of that, the fact school has started came to me like a slap in the face. It came out of nowhere when I needed more time to do other stuff.

Let's recap on what i actually DID do in the 2 weeks of holidays, it started ok. I went for Leo Forum. This was my 1st forum since i couldn't make it last year due to SUKMA. I've always put this to blame for me not being so active in Leo. My general conscious would be that if i had gone for forum last year, i would have made more friends in Leo, thus make it easier for me to want to be more active, and somehow have more fun doing it too. Instead I skipped forum and spent a year being forced into the BOD when i wanted to quit Leo, had to drag myself to any joint school event i was obliged to attend, and practically had a million excuses on why i need to skip meetings.

Anyway, I went this year. I'll be honest, the days leading up to it, i felt like crap. I just didn't want to go. I felt the 3 days could have been put to better use and that I am paying RM350 just to go there and stone like a loner in a deserted corner was ludacris. Add that to the fact that a lot of people from my school couldn't make it to the forum, and the fact that a few of my friends were going to be at a camp that sounded 10x better than forum, let's just say, I was starting to regret signing up.

But eventually i had to go, already paid the money and it would be really stupid to back out this late. Maybe it was my extremely low expectations, but I actually came back from that forum feeling rather happy. Looking back, we didn't actually do anything there, maybe its "graduation goggles"(HIMYM reference FTW) but i actually had a good time. I made a few new friends over there, and came back with a strange new feel of confidence that i found. Still expecting all the "Leo semangat-ness" to die down soon though.

A few of my school Leos with the people we met there before going home.

So i came back from forum relatively pleased. Twitter and Facebook practically exploded with people adding each other and saying hi and the old "hi i think i met you 2 days ago" stuff. I hate to admit this, but i actually enjoyed being a part of it. Alas, i signed up for CF camp too which was the morning right after i came back home. I was pissed/disappointed. I really didn't want to go through another 3 day 'adventure' at a whole another place. So I dragged myself over to First Baptist Church the next morning. I wanted to stay home. Relax and reflect on what i experienced the past 3 days at Johor. But I reminded myself that i didn't want to go to forum too but ended up liking it so maybe CF Camp wouldn't be so bad.

This i feel was a bad idea. That thought may have lifted up my expectations a little. Sorry if i offend anybody, but i had an average or borderline experience at camp. It was OK. The games were not bad. Kinda cool i guess. But me being a non-Christian just made me feel like a fish out of water over there. Could barely relate to what all the sessions were about and I found it hard to interact with people there due to non-existent similarities. I eventually pulled through it. I guess i learned a thing or 2 there as well. Just felt as though it was too soon after forum to go for camp. Once again, sorry if i offend anybody reading, just trying to be honest.

I guess i do look kinda happy here.

That pretty much sums up the 1st week. The 2nd week was craptastic. All the plans of outings and frisbee and everything just didn't work out. We went out to watch a movie once. Played frisbee once or twice. Meeples once. And that's pretty much it. The rest of my free time was spent stoning in my room, watching tv, or sleeping. Furthermore, I had the horrible feeling of knowing i NEEDED to study, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I always hated that feeling. Is like knowing you need to eat but go can't bring yourself to open the refrigerator.

All this adds to the fact that school came way too soon. There were times during the holidays where i just wished i could escape from my house. Find a random party and crash it. At least for 1 night. Boredom was relentless. It engulfed me every single night. I felt like screaming. I felt like time was floating by and i was not doing anything at all. All of this converges to a big massive lump in my chest that made me hate the holidays and hoped i had more time to make it right. And then school came along. Guess what? 1st thing I experienced in school today getting 20% for my history paper.

Came back, mum asked why i did so badly, went on this 1 hour rampage where i was shouting and screaming that i don't freaking get history. There's too many facts, too many names, too many scenarios, my brain isn't big enough to fit everything in. Give me numbers, give me equations, give me formulas and i can do those all day. But give me a random name who killed a random person at some random place on some random day, and i'm screwed.

Yup, like being slapped right in the face.